Being at the dentist is enough to make anyone want to run screaming from the room, especially when you hear the word extraction and double especially, if that's a thing, when you are a Moderately Sensitive Person. As sensitive souls it sometimes doesn't take much stimulation for our nervous system to go from zero to 100. I have been particularly susceptible to this trait from my teenage years. It was around the same time I started to experience panic attacks. It was a very VERY long time before I realised what they actually were and I was well into my married life with children before I managed to manage 'them'. So a few weeks ago when I took my youngest daughter to the dentist, I was surprised when Panic decided to rear its ugly head after many years of laying dormant. It amazed me just how quickly I felt that familiar need to run like hell. So I decided to use my experience as an opportunity to document each step I took to calm the beast. And calm it I did. So although these steps are only a page in length they have a very looong history behind them. I have tried many and varied things to control "it". For those who experience panic attacks, sensitive or not, you will totally understand me when I refer to it as "it". "It" controls us and we never know when "it" will come. Please note I have practised some of these steps individually for a while. Other things are a recent addition. We are all a work in progress!.
# 1 Allow “it” to come. Allow 'it' to be there. Acknowledge it, Name it. No one has ever died from a Panic Attack
Sitting in the dentist's room with my daughter I started feeling a little queasy as she climbed into the chair. I was anticipating that the dentist would say she had to have her tooth out. I noticed her worried little face. Automatically I felt her nerves. I felt her uneasiness. I felt her anxiety. So once it was decided that the tooth had to come out TODAY the dentist and I chatted away to distract her from the physical feeling of someone pushing and pulling in her mouth….I held her leg and talked about the ice cream we would have for lunch. In about 12 seconds it was done. Gauzed up, we left feeling proud at what we ‘both’ endured.
However as we began to drive home I could still feel the nervous energy and queasiness in my stomach. She was leaning her head on the back of the seat with a strange look on her face. My mind switched up a gear. Was she having a reaction to the aesthetic? What would I do if something happened to her while I was driving! Alas, I had entered a very familiar territory. Panic. What had gone from mild concern and edginess quickly increased in intensity. Back in the day I would have instantly felt overwhelmed and done anything to get the hell out of there. ‘It’ would have controlled me. My poor body would have been frazzled and my mind would be telling me the world was unsafe, I was unsafe and to avoid, avoid, avoid.
However, today was different. Out of nowhere, something unusual happened…..my mind didn't go into a full blown, primal, threat response. My conscious brain stayed online and a word came into my head, CARING. So I kept repeating it. Saying this word to myself seemed to stop the overriding need to flee. CARING. I am caring. What the heck? Usually by now I'm an illogical mess! Caring. Ok. I'll go with that. I am caring. I kept repeating it. Over and over. Me saying this word seemed to hold off that crazy surge of energy that makes you want to run!I am CARING. I am ACTUALLY highly CARING!!! Caring.Caring.Caring. For some reason I had actually managed not to spiral into a full blown threat response. This was quite AMAZING. So amazing that I came home and started writing it down straight away.
So why caring and what did I do next? I had listened to a Podcast on Highly Sensitive People a few weeks previous and the host described us as being 'naturally highly caring'. Being sensitive to anything always felt like such a weakness and it struck me - how could it possibly be something positive? I think this word popped into my head because as I looked at my daughter I REALLY CARED deeply about something happening to her. Somehow I knew it was helping me ward off the almighty beast of full blown panic. At that moment I somehow concluded that I was a caring person and not crazy. I then did something that I practise all the time. I allowed the intense feeling to be there. I had often applied this to other emotions such as anger however I never thought to apply it to panic. I allowed the feeling of panic, uneasiness and general fear to be there. I let ‘it’ come. I let 'it' in. Hello, Panic. Welcome. Even though I had some previous experience in this practice of acknowledging and allowing, can I just say how utterly impossible it initially felt to allow something as terrifying as panic “in” but something was telling me to try it, so I did. And I survived.
I then went on to name how I felt - "ok i'm feeling fear, ok i'm feeling panic". This my friends is also something I do regularly. I get in touch with what the heck is going on and I find a way to describe it. (There is sooooo much research on how just naming your emotions can pacify and calm the body but I'll leave that for another post). The aim is that you allow the discomfort to be discomfort without trying to change it (just yet). Let it in. Acknowledge the feeling for what it is and label it as best you can.
# 2 Do something physical to allow the stress response to complete itself. Change how you feel
So after allowing it in and giving it a name, I found where this emotion and tension was in my body. Why? So I could release it. This also takes practice. But this part of acknowledging where 'it' is is huge. Panic can often be felt as a constriction in the throat, burning of the ears or cheeks, sweating palms, tension in the hands, clenched jaw, serge of energy felt through the whole body or heaviness in the chest. There is lots of information out there on "where" parts of your body feel this emotion and you can certainly use this as a guide but my advice would be to try and explore this for yourself. Because emotions don't always show up in the same place. Today I felt the panic in my hands gripping the steering wheel. So I started shaking my hands (one at a time) and made fists - squeeze and release - squeeze and release. Repeat, repeat, repeat. I shrugged my shoulders so hard up towards my ears (all while driving safely). Shrug and drop, shrug and drop. Repeat, repeat, repeat. I just kept doing this over and over. I allowed the energy of this emotion to wash through me and out of me, physically letting the stress response finish and releasing the surge of energy from my body (this brings to mind the saying by Henry Maudsley "the sorrow which has no vent in tears may make other organs weep" ie GET. IT. OUT). I kept shaking and shrugging and squeezing and shaking and shrugging and squeezing over and over and over again.... the intensity began to subside. I kept saying to myself I am letting 'it' go, I am letting 'it' go, I am letting 'it' go.
#3 Down regulate the nervous system
Now it was time to really bring my body back to a place of safety. Easiest way to do this? Deep breathing from your belly. Think cooling down a cup of tea. Inhale through your nose and exhale out through your mouth, pursing your lips pretending to cool down a hot cup of tea. Taking deep breaths brings us into parasympathetic domination. This is a place of safety. It signals to the body that ‘all is well, you have safe passage’. I continued to breathe deeply until I had reached home.
I'd like to make a note here that for many years I would jump straight to this step. I was so desperate to feel calm I just started breathing deeply. And while yes, this does work, it would be many many years of trial and error to know and understand that we have to first let it be there before it can truly subside. Otherwise we will be experiencing the feelings of panic at the same time as trying to get rid of it. Confusing. It's the trying to get rid of it perspective that I've learnt isn't helpful. When you try and get rid of something then there really is a threat. But when it comes to Panic attacks - the threat is not real. Our real fear is how we will FEEL when the panic comes. Not the threat itself. Our goal is not to rid ourselves of the panic but to allow space for it. "I have space for this" We welcome it in, temporarily, accepting it's visiting and then gently send it on its way. Being able to “sit with it” also helps our self-esteem. We prove to ourselves we do have the capacity to handle it.
#4 Self-praise
This step can feel really cheesy when you first start out. It feels so unfamiliar and a little "up yourself" to praise yourself. But here's the thing. It works.
I've got this. It is perfectly ok to feel this way. It's because I CARE deeply. Not because there is something wrong with me. Fear is a normal human emotion and common to everyone. I have phenomenal coping skills. I can handle this! I am brave! I am bloody amazing! I've got this!
Rick Hanson refers to this as getting in touch with "your inner caring committee". At the end of the day it's a self-compassion practice. So whatever you would like to call it, honestly, it is worth a try. Remember the old adage, action comes before belief? Of course you don’t believe it when you first start out but over time your beliefs start to change.
Key Takeaways
All of these steps in the car took about 2 minutes in total. Amazing how fast acting our brains are. So although this article is a freaking Ted-Talk in length, it's actually short in its practical application. Short but potentially life-changing.
As sensitive people we have a tendency to become over aroused easily (Elaine Aaron The Highly Sensitive Person, page 6). She states “People differ considerably in how much their nervous system is aroused in the same situation, under the same stimulation”.
This got me thinking….. If my non-MSP/HSP husband had been in the dentist's room with my daughter instead of me and drove her home, he may have just thought 'oh, she must be weary'. But because I am more sensitive and pick up on all the little details my nervous system needed less stimulation than his in order to be aroused - and in this case, into a sense of "edginess".
She also states that as HSP’s we are just more aroused by new or prolonged stimulation (page 11). So coupled with the fact that I am more easily stimulated than my husband and I was in the waiting room with her and then the clinic itself and then the car, all a "prolonged" amount of time, may have contributed to me feeling panicked.
All in all, keep doing the personal work. It’s scary and hard and sometimes painful and my process may not work for everyone but it’s important to explore different things and find something that works for you.
Maybe one day when you least expect it your subconscious will kick in and take you down a different path that gives you a millisecond to make a different choice. It is not our fault we were born with this trait but it is our responsibility to learn how to manage our emotions. If we don’t learn ways to manage a threat response like Panic, it can keep us stuck in the loop of feeling out of control. We will continue to internalise that I’m not strong, I’m not capable, I’m not safe to move through the world and to avoid, avoid, avoid. And that’s not a very fun way to live.
As always I'll continue to share my process right here with you. It feels quite vulnerable telling my story but it’s important to talk about this so other Moderately/Highly Sensitive people can see they are not alone.
Do you ever suffer panic attacks as a Moderately Sensitive Person? Can you relate? Tell me your story!
Sending love,
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